Acct Lookup Fail

Many customers have a lot of the wrong information readily available, but very little of the right stuff. And they expect you to work miracles with what they've given. This is especially true when it comes to looking up accounts. Employee computer systems can't locate everything. They have limitations, bugs, and other faults. And yet customers still believe we can reach in our ass and pull out the information from the non-details they've provided.

Examples:
 * Many systems do not allow for the ability to look up accounts by address. Online orders especially.  Yet people call in without their order number, forgo on the e-mail address, skip over the phone number, and immediately start rattling off a street address.  Even if I could understand the difference between Times Square and Town Square, and if the customer wasn't The_Mumbler, my system just doesn't have that capacity.
 * "Can you look it up by my name?" is also a common request. When your name is something rare, that's one thing, but when it's James Johnson or something, you end up with thirty thousand hits.  But if you can't even spell it because they're not using the NATO Alphabet and have an accent (The_Mumbler), all bets are off.
 * Some people think you can take their number out of the auto dialer when they aren't even calling from that phone and they refuse to provide the one we're calling since "we should know it because you keep calling me." We have roughly a thousand numbers in that auto dialer.  Most are real customers.  I can't just pick your number out of a hat.
 * It's a Ghost_Order, and they swear the order is in the system.